John Really is Nuts

By Harriet Kattenberg, March 27th, 2015 | No Comments »

Suzie was complaining during coffee break to her co-workers.  “I think John is nuts!”
 
“Your husband, John?  Why do you say that?”
 
“Well, he’s been dreaming about squirrels.  Every morning he tells me about his dream of the night before and it’s always about squirrels.”
 
“Squirrels?  Like … cute little bushy-tailed squirrels?”
 
“Yeh, right!  It started out, cute little bushy-tailed squirrels.  But lately his squirrels are getting bigger and bigger.  This morning he told me that the squirrels’ eyes are getting bigger and bigger and their noses have been growing, too.”
 
Soon, conversation around the water fountain was centered on John’s squirrels.  “What did John dream about last night, Suzie?”
 
“Hey Suzie, how big were John’s squirrels now?”
 
“Does John’s squirrel’s nose grow every night, just like Pinocchio’s nose?”
 
“Oh, it drives me crazy!  Last night, John dreamt that the squirrels were lined up along our big picture window, peering into the living room.  And John says his squirrels are hungry!”
 
Hoots of laughter surrounded the water fountain.  “Does John dream about nuts, too?”
 
“Sometimes.  He says the squirrels are very, very hungry and they are looking for nuts.”
 
A psychologist had joined the lingering group.  He took a sip of water and with seriousness, asked, “Do you have squirrels living near your house?”
 
“We do have squirrels in the summer,” admitted Suzie, “but of course, we haven’t seen much of them during the winter.  We live in the old part of town and have lots of big old trees.  John puts out cobs of corn for them but he’s never dreamt of squirrels before.  Lately he’s been dreaming of squirrels EVERY night!  And last night he dreamt of nuts!  A nice big bowl of nuts.”
 
“Maybe your squirrels are hungry.  Maybe they are communicating with John, asking for something to eat.”
 
“Oh, phooey!  I think John’s nuts!”
 
The stories and teasing continued until one Monday Suzie arrived at the water fountain, looking haggard, and complaining of exhaustion. 
 
“What’s the matter, Suzie?  You look awful!  Are you starting to dream of squirrels, too?”
 
“Ha!  I’m not dreaming because I’m not sleeping!!!”
 
“You are awake all night?”

“All night!!!  I’m trying to sleep.  Honestly, I’m  trying!  Listen ….
 
“When I arrived home Friday night, John was already home.  He was standing in the living room, next to the coffee table.  Just standing there, staring.  I stared, too.  We had a big bowl of left-over Christmas nuts, walnuts, almonds, Brazils, pecans, you know, typical mixed nuts.  The bowl, the coffee table, the carpet was a disaster!  Every nut had been chewed open and the nutmeats were gone.  Broken shells were everywhere!
 
“I was speechless.  John was speechless.  Hand in hand, we started creeping around the house, exploring, looking for clues.  We went outside, examining every window, every door.  There were teeth marks along the base of the picture window.  (Gives me the creeps thinking of squirrels standing there looking into our house!  Watching us!)
 
“We couldn’t find an opening or hole.  We went upstairs, moving from window to window.  Finally, we found a small hole in the corner of the screen on our bedroom window.  (John always sleeps with our window open, even when it’s twenty below zero.)  There it was … a small hole; the wires had been chewed and when we looked closer, we could see the ends of the wires were shoved out.”
 
“Are you telling us that squirrels actually smelled the nuts from inside your house …. Chewed a hole in your bedroom window screen …. Went all the way downstairs …. Ate your nuts …. And then found their way back upstairs …. And out the same window????”
 
“I’m telling you!” affirmed Suzie.  “And every time I close my eyes to sleep, John whispers in my ear, SQUIRREL!!! And I jump!”
 
Heard around the water fountain, “John’s nuts!” 
“Squirrels are nuts!” 
“John’s nuts!” 
“Squirrels are nuts!”

PS. The real story is in bold.
PSS. The story in bold is true.
PSSS. John and Suzie found a wet spot on the carpet next to the coffee table.
PSSSS. John and Suzie eat Seedtime’s veggies and enjoy Alissa’s Flowers.

Leave a Reply